Now, I don't want to sound like a politician, but it is true. America is special. What leads me to say this? Well, a friend sent me a video of an alien's handiwork caught on tape. No, wait. You've got to hear me out. In fact, I too was initially dismissive. E.T.? In America? No way! But as a good social scientist, I went back to check her claims against data. For the record, it was she who thought it was not a ghost as claimed in the video but an alien. And her claim pans out. It is true. I am sorry, folks. There are extraterrestrial aliens in America.
"How did you validate this?", you ask. Very simply - by viewing the video she sent me. She thought it might be a ghost. I think it is almost certainly an alien. Because that is my gut feeling. It comes straight from my gut. And furthermore, by compiling statistics based on documentaries that have been made on the topics of aliens over the past 60 years, I have arrived at a facts-based political solution to the problem of aliens. It may be noted that a significant fraction of documentaries made about aliens over the past 60 years have been about aliens in the Western Hemisphere. The most popular movies about aliens are about aliens in the United States. Aliens tend to visit major metro centers in America typically. That is what the statistics tell us. Now that we have these facts before us, it goes without saying that these facts are the only facts worth considering. People who deny this only do it because they hate America.
Some people would like to say that aliens - assuming they existed - would just go to a different country and avoid all the trouble that landing in a country like America could cause them. Remember that America is armed to the teeth, they tell us. Those people would be happier that way, I am sure. But you know what? That's not who we are. That's not what this country's about. As Americans, we believe that we are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights - such as visitation rights from friendly ghosts and aliens. And that is why most Hollywood movies feature aliens landing right here. In these United States. In fact, we welcome well adjusted aliens into our fair land. Not you, Obama. I mean actual aliens.
What about the bad aliens, you ask? Well, for bad aliens, we have free markets. In America, we believe that free markets will defeat the bad aliens. This is because, in America, we celebrate individuals who take the initiative in battling aliens that run amok. We're not entitled to success. We have to earn it. When a man kills aliens, we make a movie about it. Not everybody can kill an alien or a ghost. Many dream of doing it, but few succeed. We recognize that. We honor the strivers, the dreamers, the risk-takers who have always been the driving force behind our free enterprise system - the greatest force against the threat of ghosts and aliens that world has ever known. When aliens attack, we expect all Americans to act as world citizens. And you know that aliens are going to land here. Maybe not now. But based on my analysis, I believe that this will certainly happen at some future time. And that this will happen around Halloween.
Why are we special? Because we believe in something called citizenship - a word at the very heart of our founding, at the very essence of our democracy, the idea that this country only works when we accept our obligations to the country to act as welcomers of aliens. And if need be, our citizens will also discharge their obligation to kill the bad guys. Our obligations go not only to the country but also to the world and to future generations. We, the People, recognize that we have responsibilities as well as rights; that our destinies are bound together; that a freedom which only asks what's in it for me, a freedom without a commitment to others when aliens attack, a freedom without love or charity or duty or patriotism, is unworthy of our founding ideals. When aliens attack, ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for Schwarzenegger.
America, we have aliens in our midst. We have to fight them. America, I never said this journey would be easy, and I won't promise that now. Yes, our path is harder – but it leads to a better place. Yes our road is longer – but we travel it together. We don't turn back. We leave no one behind. We pull each other up. We draw strength from our victories, and we learn from our mistakes, but we keep our eyes fixed on that distant horizon, knowing that Providence is with us, and that we are surely blessed to be citizens of the greatest nation on Earth.
Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless these United States.
